Once upon a time, I was a lark. But then, there was a time, when I was neither a lark nor an owl. I slept at 2 am after wrapping tightly in my friend’s arms for hours. Yet, without any reason, I woke up at 4 am.
I did not know what I was going through. I felt so numb all the time. When I was not numb, I felt restless. I tried to give myself a temporary relief by listening to that ear-wrecking music. It was just not giving me back my feelings.
I tried to clear my head under the shower. But, once I entered the washroom, I couldn’t feel the strength to stand under the shower. So, I sat on the bathroom floor and let the water pour down my head. It brought back the realizations for sometime.
“What am I doing? Sitting on the washroom floor of a hostel?”
But, nothing could put back any life into me.
“If I move away from this shower, that numbness and restlessness would grab me again.”
I couldn’t tolerate it anymore. It seemed like I couldn’t feel anything more in my life.
They said that it was a depression phase. It might be right because for the first time in law school, I was having a semester without any deadlines to meet. I
couldn’t get any moot court competitions to go to. As more and more classmates bagged citations in different competitions, I felt utterly useless and restless. But, before I could even realize and pull myself back, I was drowning in the numbness and restlessness.
I had to pull me up somehow. If there was no moot court in my plate, I had to get myself busy with some other competition. Thus, I dragged myself to the library every single dsay. Things were getting better, I should say.
It was then that I noticed a pair of eyes noticing me. He was from my state. Spoke my mother tongue. Regardless, we never spoke to each other in the last two years of law school.
We never even got to meet as he was in the other section ‘BA.LLB’ Hons. of my batch. I knew his character from a distance and admired him. But now, his gaze grabbed my attention.
I could feel his gaze following me everywhere. It was there from the bench behind me whenever combined classes of our sections happened. It followed me every time I crossed him. I just couldn’t understand why or how he noticed me.
I knew that I was looked not with a pervert’s eyes. Maybe, it would have been the gaze of Leonardo di Caprio to Kate Winslet in Titanic. It was just so intense and nothing like I ever saw before.
Slowly, I was yearning for his eyes. I wanted to see his gaze. I wanted to see him. It was a relief to my numbness. His presence made me happy. But, when he was standing too close, I was nervous.
My friends said that I liked him. That I had a crush on him. I didn’t know what he was to me. My pain killer or my first crush. Anyways, those eyes dazzled me everywhere. But, only the eyes met.
My friends were too excited for me. They wanted both of us to start talking and move up the ladder. I tried to convince them that it was nearly impossible. Firstly, I was extremely nervous for a casual talk. Moreover, both of us reached the class 10 minutes late. In the class breaks, we both were engrossed in our phones or with our friends’ gang.
A casual ‘bumping – into – each – other – kind- of’ meeting was impossible with this guy. None of this satisfied them. I was issued an ultimatum to speak to this guy by the next day.
So, the next day, I went up to him to ask about the name of a hotel from his district. I was so overwhelmed with nervousness that my voice rose in pitch and the words came out in a rush. In fact, he had to ask my friend to translate what I spoke. My first stage experience was definitely much better.
After my fake encounter, he started noticing me even more. I guess I had made things more obvious in my desperation to hide. That was enough. I was not going for any more ‘fake encounters’ and left it to the universe to decide. But, it decided for me way too quickly. The gazes brushed by and six months passed by in the meanwhile.
At that time, I came to know through a friend of mine that he was in a long distance relationship. I didn’t say a word.
I walked back to my hostel room. “I had to be strong,” I reminded myself. I laid down on my bed and then, I just laid there for two hours almost. I didn’t feel anything in those two hours.
I was not angry. I was not feeling cheated. In fact, I was not feeling anything. It was the same old numbness grabbing hold of me. I could feel it.
I just laid there on bed hoping that no one would knock my door for sometime. There was no strength left in me to open the door and greet anyone. I just wanted to lie on my bed all alone.
At dinner time, my friends literally dragged me out of the bed. They were not letting me lie on the bed anymore. They compelled me to have dinner. I couldn’t shook them off.
Surprisingly, none of them broached about the topic at the dining table. They were discussing about the silliest issues including why the clouds were so dark. But, none of them mouthed his name. I was so thankful for that.
That day, I wrapped myself in the arms of my friend to put me to rest. “Was I falling back into those old days?,” my head whispered. When I woke up, I took a decision to let him go.
I asked them to not tease me with him or even utter his name. My happiness cannot rely on one guy. I would let him go.
I utilized the emotion of anger and distanced my feelings from him. I tried portraying him as a villain giving provocations to a girl while being in a relationship with another. It worked somehow.
As time passed, his gaze became less confident and frequent. That made it even more easier. But, when alcohol hit the rock bottom of my empty stomach, I still ended up crying about him.
It’s been more than a year. I realized that I had to be super busy to survive the wrecks that the life had piled up. I would say I have moved on.
Regardless, one thing I need the most in this law school is his presence. I do not yearn to talk to him. But, I want him to be here in this law school, when I am here.
And when I am not there in the law school, I like dreaming a lot.